I’ve come to practice acknowledging those people who have journeyed with us in life — whether for a moment or perhaps even much of our lives. The support and guidance we received from those people were acts of love — and I believe love sent to us from the Divine.
When I first wrote this piece, I’d been feeling very alone (thankfully that’s shifted). Prior to moving back to San Diego to be with my family, the COVID crisis emphasized the loneliness I was feeling, especially when night arrived or when I heard a character in a movie say, “He never looks at me like that.” Or I saw a couple who have been together for years and are so devoted to one another.
When I spoke about this with my mentor, Laurie Seymour of The Baca Institute, she asked me:
“How can you let the Divine love you?”
It’s something I’ve been pondering since she spoke those words. I also wondered how I might be blocking the receipt of that love.
My mindful meanderings took me on long winding paths, reminding me of all the ways I’ve made mistakes as a parent, as a writer, as a friend, and with my business and my finances.
Logically, I know we all make mistakes. Parenting doesn’t come with a handbook, a lot of fear of “who am I to be doing this?” arrives in the territory of being a writer, and there have been times when I’ve been distracted or short with friends and family or spent money on all the wrong programs or items. The list can go on.
Suffice it to say, I’ve done a really good job of beating myself up. And inside of me, there is this a little girl who says, because I’ve made so many mistakes, I can’t be lovable.
God must have thought You’re a pretty good idea.
That brought a smile to my face. Who am I to question God’s creations, right?
Then I had to ask myself: Where did this idea that I’m unlovable come from? What’s preventing me from receiving the love from the Divine — and trusting in it — all of the time?
My answer came in a Tuesday morning group Turaya Meditation that Laurie Seymour offers. My mother popped in, and I intuited that I was being shown that with her it seemed that no matter what I did or how I did it, it wasn’t right. And as a way of honoring my mother, I adopted that viewpoint of myself and often drive myself well beyond as one of my friends mentioned “humanly possible.”
In meditation, I saw that version of myself as mean, ugly, nasty, and hard. She was frightening. How I connected with my mother and how I viewed myself had to change — and fast.
I knew honoring my mother could be as easy as feeding the birds, marveling at nature, and loving my grandchildren. She always loved seeing them either in person or in photos. She referred to Abigail, as “my girl.” And mom always smiled at these times, and I don’t remember my mom smiling much at all.
However, I expected changing how I viewed myself to be more difficult. It really wasn’t.
After that meditation, I took a walk and spoke to that ugly, mean part of myself. Acknowledging her presence softened her immediately. The next step was to state that she didn’t need to be the driver of my efforts nor remind me of all my mistakes. The mistakes had been turned into lessons, and God had our back — and of late, I’d been doing a really good job of listening to guidance I’d been receiving.
I can’t explain exactly how this all occurred, but I had another shift. It was palpable and felt within every cell of my being. I then saw that all the people in my life — even those challenging relationships — were expressions of the Divine loving me.
All I needed to do was graciously receive this love.
Embracing this epiphany was my first step at doing that.
I know that fear and self-doubt will weasel their ways into my consciousness from time to time. But these can be banished by nurturing my relationship with the Divine. Just as I show up for my kids, grandkids, and clients, I need to show up with Spirit — and for myself — as well.
How can I receive love if I’m not actively showing up for this relationship?
I do this by listening to guidance, spending time in meditation, taking care of my body-–and writing. I’ve been gifted with my talents as a writer, and if I’m not using my gift daily, then I’m essentially turning my back on this gift.
As if on cue, one more message was received.
I was unpacking one of the last boxes in my tiny home in San Diego, and I came across a birthday note from Scott, my second ex. He wrote:
“My wish for you today is for you to
Cast to a big trout,
Write from your heart,
Not question your goodness,
Nor my love for you,
Nor God’s promise,
To see and feel your greatness
and how your life makes such a difference.”
I’m getting it.
Places of Pondering
I invite you to join me in this contemplation.
- How can I let the Divine love me?
- What’s preventing me from letting myself be loved?
- How do I feel unlovable?
- How might Ibe able to shift this?
- How might I nurture my relationship with the Divine?